Category Archives: Milspouse

5 Reasons To Have MilSpouse Friends

Posted on May 17, 2013 | 2 Comments

I’ve heard it many, many times from spouses that they don’t like having other military spouses as friends.  They have a long list of reasons why and maybe some are valid but, I beg to differ.  In fact I prefer to have other military spouses as my friends.  Here are my top 5 reasons why:

1.  They get the lingo.  Other milspouses just understand what you’re saying.  You can use crazy acronyms like DFAS and POA and they just know what you are talking about.

2.  You always know someone where ever you go.  Moving is tough and sometimes the one thing you look forward to during a PCS is living near a friend you haven’t seen in far too long.

3.  There tends to not be any “one uppers”.  We all have it tough in this life in different ways.  No one gets that more than a MilSpouse friend!  There is not much of “Well, think that’s bad? My husband.. blah, blah.”  No time for that.. just bring on the wine! No job is no job! And GONE IS GONE!

4.  Support, support, support!  These friends always get your roll coaster of emotions and they sympathize.  They will always be up for a late night wine and chocolate binge.  Take your kids to the playground for an hour (or three) so you can cry or have a private conversation with your deployed spouse.  It’s an understood thing among military spouses.  Something we just do for one another.

5.  Always armed and ready with a resource to help you cope with military life.  Yep!  New to an area and need a playgroup? Chances are your new friend knows one.  You can even reach to friends via social media and they’ll have a few ideas to toss your way.  Milspouses make it their job to be in the know on everything related to military life and are always willing to share! No competition in this crowd because knowing more parents in your child’s soccer team means more car pool options when you have a deployed spouse.

Now, these reason are not limited to military life and I know that, but, I find military spouses to carry a great majority of them if not all of them.  I know, I personally want to have friends who can offer these things to me.  Wouldn’t you?

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Where To Turn When You Need An Ear?

Posted on April 5, 2013 | Leave a comment

I’m a person that wears many hats.  Some people know me as their Ombudsman or Chapter Coordinator, while others know me as the NAS JRB New Orleans SOY and then there are the most important people who see me as wife and mother.  All these hats!  I want to always have my best foot forward but I’m only human and I’m not perfect.  There are times when I wish I didn’t wear so many hats and then it wouldn’t be so hard to say, “Hey, I’m having a hard time. Can you come over and talk?”  What good am I to all the people depending on me (especially my children) if I didn’t use that phrase from time to time?  If you are like me and need a listening ear you maybe wondering, where can I go?  And who can I trust?  Here are five solutions to those questions.

1.  Military OneSource:  They have an 1-800 number that is manned 24 hours a day!  This is perfect if you want real true privacy.  If you carry a somewhat “public” position going to Family Support Center can be tough.  You might worry about someone seeing you and this is the perfect medium.

2.  Chaplain: Talk about confidential!! They are taught to listen and not judge and to affirm.  Sometimes, all you need is a listening ear and these people have that down perfectly!

3.  Family Support Centers:  Now, I know I what I said in tip #1 but you might be the sort of person who needs to actually be with a person.  This is a great choice!  Most office will have walk-in hours, too.  They are also very good at working with busy military schedules.

4.  Family Doctor:  Your doctor is a good choice because they will be able to tell if you are just in a funk and need an ear or if it is more serious.  Doctors are also bound by confidentiality.

5.  Family and friends:  These are the always the best choice!!! They love you no matter how bad you feel or what you say.  You may not think they will understand but you’ll be surprised at their willingness to listen and support you.

Letting someone know you are struggling emotionally can be hard.  We all want to have the “perfect, I have it together” image.  But, it really is O.K. to take off your suit of armor and let down your guard.  It’s my hope that someone in this position will read this and have a little more confidence to reach out and ask for a listening ear.

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The Group That Changed Me

Posted on March 15, 2013 | 10 Comments

I’ve never been one to be part of groups.  As an Ombudsman I know that spouses need them for many reasons I, personally, was never into them.  I’m introverted by nature and so group settings make me uncomfortable and talking to new people is hard for me.

One day I stumbled upon a flyer for a running club, I didn’t know what to do.  I saw the flyer hanging there above my mailbox and for some reason knew that I had to advertise for them.  This is what our base had been missing, well…. every base I had been to.  A FREE running club for mother runners? Perfect!  But, me? Nah… I run alone; I like the time to myself.  Little did I know those two women were going to change my thinking!

That day I saw the flyer I pulled one of the tabs and eagerly emailed them.  I couldn’t wait to hear more and let my spouses know.  How much more perfect could this group get?  The day they launched their first run I showed up and introduced myself and told them I might join them after my next race (in two months).  I knew in my mind it wouldn’t happen.  But, they kept at me…. Every time I ran into one of them at school (our kids were in the same grade) she would encourage me to come.  ”Come on! It’ll be fun! No one will care who you are.”  I’d smile and say, “Maybe”.

Fast forward two months and the worst race to date for me.  I ran a hot weather race in Millington, TN and let’s just say it didn’t end well.  On the way home to New Orleans I thought long and hard about how to get past this experience.  The lightbulb went on!  I was going to do another warm weather race and these two ladies and their running club, with it’s 8:30am start time in S.E. La, were going to  help me do it!  I was going to join them once a week and learn to run in the heat.  That day in June 2011 changed my life forever!!!

What’s this group you ask? It’s Stroller Warriors(TM)…… They are military wives, they are mothers, they are runners!  They are the most amazing group of women and I’m so happy that those two ladies didn’t give up on me.  You see,  I’m continuing the mission that Stepahnie Geraghty, Marine Corpse Spouse of the Year 2012, dreamed up in 2010.  I’m bringing that mission here to Hawaii.  I’m bringing the support, encouragement, companionship, loyalty and most importantly FRIENDSHIP!

Stroller Warriors New Orleans will forever have a special place in my heart.  They are the group that changed my view on clubs and groups.  I’m a changed woman and for the better.  Having running buddies is the way to go and I’ll never insist on running alone again.

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Not All Resources Are Treated Equal

Posted on March 1, 2013 | 1 Comment

Over the last several years I have learned A LOT about resources that are available to military families.  After all, that is what this blog is all about.  But, what I’m learning is that not all resources are supported by all services.  Why is this happening? Well, for starters most military supported programs need a partnership and the branches will look at their members’ families needs and pick the programs based on those needs.  But, more times than not ALL families can benefit from those same programs, like Military Child Education Coalition.  This program is sponsored by the Army but ALL military children can benefit from it, right? The title does say “Military Child” not “Army Child”, right?  The program wants to sponsor ALL military children but because of funding they can only service areas with at least a 25% Army population.  How fair is that?  It’s not but it’s the Army’s money and they can make that decision.  The larger question is, “Why isn’t this a DoD sponsored program?”  So, that leaves me wondering how can we change that?  How can we make all military related programs “purple” meaning for all branches.  I have a few ideas not sure they will work but it’s always worth a try.

1.  Write the programs directly and express your desire to use the program.  Expressing your need of the program can help because sometimes they are run by personnel not always associated with the military or it was a program created because someone in one particular branch noticed a need and went from there.

2.  Talk to an advisor who would be responsible for engaging with the program.  Sometimes talking to someone “in the know” helps because they will know exactly who to contact to help make change like a SLO (School Liaison Officer).  Their job is to assist families with education related concerns/questions so they would best be suited to know who to talk about making MCEC a purple program.

3.  Engage your husband/wife’s Change of Command.  If there is one thing I know and believe is true for the majority of the military leadership is that they really care about their member’s families and their well being.  They don’t always know how to make things better BUT having your husband/wife talk to them about a program need can help make them aware and therefore the CoC will do their part to help facilitate change.

These are only three ideas I had; ones I would use.  Whether or not they would actually work would be determined if you tried them and change either happened or didn’t.  I do want to make clear that often times programs that aren’t “purple” are still available resources for ALL military families.  However, they don’t have the ability to do things like workshops or pre/post deployment briefs and that is because of their lack of funding.

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It’s Always A Surprise

Posted on February 15, 2013 | 2 Comments

Anyone who follows this blog is well aware that we have moved from New Orleans, LA to Pearl Harbor, HI over the last few months.  This is my fourth duty station with my husband and I feel like I should be all knowing and strong and able to handle anything life throws my way.  To a extent, I do think I hold those character traits just not the way I think I should.

During our last tour I often times listened to spouses talk about how they struggled with their most recent move and I would always reply with, “Really? There is so much to like about this city!”  I couldn’t relate to their feelings or their struggles to find a way to be happy.  Strange considering that living in Japan was a challenge for me and so I know what it is like to live somewhere you don’t want to be.  No duty station would ever hold me captive again in depression and misery!

Then I left a place I truly loved.  I mean the kind of love for a city that creeps into your bones and feels like a home, like a place you could live forever.  Now, I get it!  I truly understand how these spouses felt.  How it felt to leave your life and start over and miss everything.  I don’t mean just the school your kids went to or the house you lived in but EVERYTHING.

I know how to not live with the misery of hating where we are.  But, how long is it going to take to over come the grief ? Because, let’s face it, that’s what it is, grief.  My friend said, “Give it six month.  It takes that long to get adjusted.”  I sighed and agreed with her looking for those words to comfort me.  But, I don’t want it to be six months.  I want it to be now!  I want my happiness, the feeling of content, strength and confidence to return and fast!  There are two little people counting on it so they can learn how to have those character traits.

So, you asked, “What is always a surprise?”  This life, this military life; it’s always changing.  Just when you think you have it down and you know (or think you know) every thing there is know and BAM, something changes.  When I married my husband I could have never dreamed I would mourn a duty station like this.  Family.. yes! A first purchased home… yes!  But, the city, a friend, a job… never.

Military life always has a surprise just waiting to present itself whether good, bad or ugly……..

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Five Reasons to Volunteer

Posted on February 1, 2013 | 1 Comment

It’s no secret that I love volunteering.  I have my limits and there are some volunteer jobs you won’t catch me doing but that’s okay because we all have our “thing” we like doing and would do for free.  Mine happens to be helping military families and I also help out  with the stuff my boys are involved in like school, Scouting, and sports.  In fact, I feel like volunteering is a pretty important thing for military spouses to do.  Wait… here me out…. I have some good reasons why.

1.  Resume building!  Our frequent moves to many states and foreign lands can take a toll on careers.  Some times you get lucky with a job right away and some times you don’t.  Volunteering fills the gaps and tell employers that you are working (even without the pay).

2.  Great way to meet people.  I tell my children often that being in activities they enjoy will bring them to kids they will have the most in common with and create friendships.  This is also true for adults.  When you are volunteering in something you like and feel passionate about you will most likely find long lasting friendships, too.  This is so true for me!  The network of women that are now friends for life came through my Ombudsman position. We had a common goal and bonded over that.

3.  Helps pass away the time during deployments.  For the spouses who do not work (by choice or not) volunteering can help the days pass.  Cleaning homes, helping with homework and running kids to activities gets mundane.  But, when you add a volunteer job in the mix you’ll have a reason to put on jeans and interact with other people.

4.  Gives you something that is all yours.  So much of our lives are as mothers/fathers and parents, doing everyday tasks for our families.  Give yourself something that you don’t share with anyone in your family.  Something you can look back on and are proud of your accomplishment.

5.  It’s flexible.  One of the many reasons I don’t have a paying job yet is because I feel like my life needs to be flexible (this is my choice not saying it has to be someone else’s).  I want the freedom to be home with sick kids, be at sporting events, or work functions for my spouse without the worry of a job holding me back.  Volunteering gives me purpose, responsibility and satisfaction with luxury of saying, “Not today, we have the stomach flu.” and not worry what is going to happen at work.  Volunteer jobs get out of what you put into them with no repercussions because after all you aren’t getting paid to do the job at hand.

There is something I’ve learned about volunteering that I know is true and that is that generally people have more satisfaction from a volunteer position than a paying job.  I really did like my job in the Navy but it came with lots and lots of stress.  Being Ombudsman was stressful at times, too.  But, then I would remind myself (or often times others around me) that I wasn’t getting paid and to just let whatever was bothering me go.  Volunteering will make you feel accomplished and proud because you put your soul into it with no gain except to help AND that is an amazing feeling!!!

What is the best volunteer experience you’ve ever had? Where do you enjoy volunteering the most? 

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7 Topics Not To Discuss When Searching For Friends.

Posted on November 9, 2012 | Leave a comment

The election is here and with the barrage of opinions flying on my personal social media profiles, news media, and on the play ground, I can’t help but think about my own emotions when listening to these opinions.  It has also occurred to me that I have become friends with many people and I created those friendships without ever knowing their opinions on some topics.  Why, you ask is this something to write about? Well, I believe that friendships should run beyond our own beliefs and, when we move often, we need our military family.  There are just some topics so sensitive that a potential friend could be offend if you bring up a topic in your first conversation and it could be the end of the friendship before it even has a chance. With that said, stay away from these topics until you are confident your friendship will survive in the most heated conversation.

1.  POLITICS!  Keep your political opinion to yourself (unless, you know the person you are talking to agrees with you.).  It just shouldn’t matter.

2.  RELIGION!  Neither should this… PERIOD!

3.  Social beliefs like abortion and gay marriage.  These sorts of topics are so sensitive and most people have very strong feelings and are offended easily by opposing opinions.  Don’t bring them up until long into the friendship! In fact, it really is ok if you never know your friends position.

4.  Discipline of other people’s children.  Don’t tell the mom you just met on the playground that she should or shouldn’t discipline her child in what ever fashion you witnessed.  It’s rude and most parents will feel put off and offend.  Keep it to yourself if you would do it differently.

5.  Rank!  We are spouses! We are not in the military!  It doesn’t matter what our husband/wife does or what their rank it.  Base your friendship on how well you connect with someone.  Do you have similar interest?  Are your kids the same ages and play well together?  And so on…. Leave the military out of the equation!

6.  Money.   It is just not yours or anyone else’s business how much money someone has or how they spend it.  The military has regulations to take care of money problems, so leave it to them.  Never judge someone when they need help.  You have no idea why they need it and it isn’t for you to judge that or even talk about with other people.

7.  Stay at home vs. working parents.  We all make decisions based on what is best for our families.  Don’t go there, because women especially, get very offended and defensive when talking about their decisions.

There you have it!  Stay away from them.  Keep introductory conversations to topics like kid stuff, how crazy your last PCS was, things to do in the area or where to go to get a good haircut.  Those topics are sure to lead to what your interests are and you may end up with a BFF that has completely opposite view points.  You might even end up loving them despite it!

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Patience and the Military Spouse

Posted on October 12, 2012 | 2 Comments

Over the years being patient is something I have had to learn to be.  We, military spouse, spend a lot of time waiting.  We wait on orders so we can plan our lives, we wait on packers to move our stuff and then wait for it to be delivered, we wait for our husbands and wives to return from deployments and then during that time we are waiting and waiting to hear from them.  Always waiting on SOMETHING!  It can be hard to have patience when we have so much waiting to do.  But, with all my years with the Navy I think I am finally beginning to tackle this battle.  Well, “coping” might be a better term.  Here are my tips to help tackle the ever present virtue we call “patience”.

1.  Lower expectations.  When our expectations are too high we can end up disappointed.  So, if you are expecting a phone call from your deployed spouse at 5PM (because after all that is what the email said), expect it to be closer to 6.  Things happen and often beyond their control and so when the phone rings at 5:35 you are thrilled instead of angry.

2.  Keep busy with a “to do” list.  This is a great tip for when you are forced to wait on people showing up at your home.  Like contractors who are “suppose” to come and work on repairs to your storm damaged home.  Lower the expectation, make a list of things that need to be done around the house and forget about the timeline.  Keeping busy will help pass the time and you will be less likely to notice when the maintenance guy is one hour late to fix the dishwasher.

3.  Have stress coping skills.  Waiting for things like PCS orders or new of any thing military related can be very stressful.  Even if you aren’t the member.  We proudly support our spouses and always want the best for them.  But, if you are stressed it doesn’t help anyone.  Have your stress skills waiting and ready.  Things like meditation, exercise, knitting and talking with friends are good examples of this.  When you are relaxed and less stressed your patience will be better.

4.  Always be ready for the unexpected.  Nothing was more unexpected for me than our PCS to Hawaii and it being 7 months sooner than my husband’s projected rotation.  And then put a hurricane on top of that and I feel like the word “patient” hasn’t been in my vocabulary! However, with this military life things unexpected happen all the time.  So, I recovered quickly and moved forward.  Now, the only thing left to wait on is the actual move itself.

5.  Know when to walk away.   Walking away when you are losing patience is very important.  Often times I have to do this when my husband isn’t home and the kids are moving slower than normal (which is really slow, like pouring molasses out of jar slow) and I can feel the patience flying out the window along with my sanity.  Just walk away, use your one of stress relief skills and start over.

Keeping calm and patient isn’t easy for anyone really but military spouses have to have lots of it!  I do realize that sometimes it just isn’t possible and we all lose it some days and that is why wine and ladies night’s were invented.

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Etiquette Tips For Attending Military Balls

Posted on September 21, 2012 | 1 Comment

The service birthdays are upon us and that usually means military birthday balls to celebrate the occasion.  For the Navy ours is quickly approaching on October 13th.  This year I will be attending the ball and in my process of preparing for it I couldn’t help but think about all the bad etiquette I might see.  There have been lots and lots of blogs and articles written about attire and that topic gets driven home pretty well so hopefully I won’t see any attire that is inappropriate.  It’s the etiquette part that I am going to focus on with my eight tips.

1.  Don’t get drunk!  Being drunk at a formal event is unbecoming and most often it will lead you to saying something or acting in way you will regret the next morning.  Be classy and limit yourself to 2-3 drinks at most.  Leave the heavy drinking for another night.

2.  Watch what you say and who you say it to.  Just because your hubby’s CO decided to come introduce himself and tell you what a great guy he thinks he is, doesn’t give you the right to start complaining about all the things you don’t like about the command.  For example, late hours or duty rotation.  Keep those conversations to small chit chat and if you aren’t sure who someone is, ask your spouse who they are.  This one ties into the drinking…. be careful!  Booze tends to loosen up the filter.

3.  Give your undergarments a test run.  Make sure your undergarments aren’t to0 dark under your gown,  panty lines can’t be seen, bra straps are not sticking out and so forth.  At the last ball I went to there was a woman who you could see her panties right through her gown.  I joked with a friend that she must have gotten dressed in the dark.  It is a special night so go ahead, spend the money on good undergarments meant to be worn under ball gowns.

4.  Carry a evening bag.  Do not use your bra as a place to store your phone, ID and money.  Nothing looks tackier than watching a woman reach down her cleavage to check her phone or grab some cash for a glass of wine.  Like I have said, military balls are special events and you don’t want to be the person everyone is talking about.  Carry a small evening bag big enough for your phone, ID, some money and maybe lipstick.  There are tables you can set it down on.

5.  Guys, use valet parking or drop your date off at the door.  Gentlemen, please do not make us walk in our heels.  If valet parking is an option, TAKE IT!  If not, drop your lady off at the door and then go park.  It is just polite to do.  Enough said……

6.  Be respectful of the traditions during the ceremony portion.  The ceremony portion can be long and boring for us civilians but the military members cherish it.  These birthday balls are very traditional and it is extremely meaningful for them.  So, don’t talk during the speeches, stand during the anthem and just try to act like you care and keep in mind it is about taking a moment and remembering why we are all there to begin with.

7.  Don’t be late.   There is a cocktail hour for a reason! Show up during that time and not once the ceremony has started.  It is understandable that sometimes things happens but don’t be late just because you like to be “fashionable”.  If you are late because of something beyond your control wait outside the ballroom until the ceremony is over.  It’s just rude to walk through it to find your seat.

8.  Military members wear your uniforms.  The newest rage seems to be for the military members to not be required to wear their uniforms.  Well, take pride in the service you serve and your country.  This night is in honor of your service and you the member.  Be proud and wear your uniform! Plus, men in dress uniform are well…umm….. yeah….

There you have it….eight simple tips of etiquette.  The moral here is, you don’t want to be “that” person the whole command is talking about on Monday morning.  Or even the one the Ombudsman Assembly uses as an example of what not to do at a birthday ball during their training (Yes, we do that. How do think I came up with these?).  Military Balls are steeped in tradition and it is important that we, the civilian guest, are respectful of those traditions. So, be classy and have an amazing fun night being dressed up and looking your best!

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Unusual Tips for Hurricane Preparedness

Posted on September 14, 2012 | Leave a comment

On August 28th Hurricane Isaac made landfall very close to where we live. It was a long three days of wind and rain and for several of those hours the storm was stalled right over us. Our home sustained some damage and we were without power for six days but we have lived to tell about it. Hurricane preparedness is big in the Navy because a lot of Navy bases are located on the coasts and so for the most part we all know we need water, canned foods, fill the bathtub and so forth.  After living through this storm I have found a few more tips that can be helpful especially if you live in a PPV home.

1.  Have your own rental insurance if you live in a PPV home.  If you rent or own a home in town most people know to have insurance. In fact you can’t own a home without it BUT for a lot of families who choose to live in “base/post” housing they believe that because the property managers have rental insurance that they don’t need to worry about it.  Well, it doesn’t cover everything and it is a fairly small amout of coverage.  To ensure ALL your belongings are insured, buy your own rental insurance. We have USAA and received about $500 for our spoiled food, no questions asked!  But, do your homework and decide which company will work for you and your family.

2.  Gas up and have extra cans filled!  Storm is coming and you decide you want out!  But, then you notice you need gas and the lines are long.  So, you turn around and stay when you would rather not.  Well, rule of thumb in my family is: never let the tank go below 1/4 tank and then fill up. That little bit will get you far enough away to a place without long lines.  Now, the extra cans are great for generators and for cars when those long, long lines return after the storm.

3.  Have a back up communication system and one contact person to help spread the word of your well being.  After the storm there were no phones, no internet or 3G and texting was at a bare minimum.  Lucky for us the day before the storm we decided that my mother would be our person we contacted to say we were ok or not.  Good thing because she has ATT, too and I could text her. Have a back up plan… don’t count on social media, phone or texting only.  If you think you won’t have a connection plan to get in touch with someone somehow after so many days. Example would be: storm projected to hit on Friday so you call mom and tell her that not worry if she doesn’t hear from you before Monday, as suspected you have no service, so on Monday  you venture out to find a cell connection or pay phone and call your mother.  No news is good news as my grandmother always says.

4.  Only buy enough perishable food for 5-7 days at time.  Most everyone knows that hurricane season is from June 1st through November 30th.  Think carefully about the food that goes in the fridge and freezer during those months.  Six days is a long time for food to sit in a fridge without power.  A lot of people said their fridges and freezers were like science experiments after those six days.  To avoid this only buy enough of cold items for up to seven days. Can’t eat it in within seven days?  Don’t buy it!  This tip isn’t so much about the money lost but about how much you don’t want to have to clean that fridge and for those who are in PPV you could be charged for the fridge if it can’t be cleaned.  If you do have food in there and have or want to leave during the storm, put it in plastic bags and put it back in.  That way if you do lose power the clean up will be easy and the smells will be contained.

5.  Have patience.  Hurricanes are a stressful thing to live through.  A lot of waiting is involved.  You wait for the storm to come ashore, you wait for the storm to pass, you wait for the power to come back on, you wait for your kids to return to school, you wait to go back to work and then you wait and wait some more for your home to be repaired.  All that waiting can take it’s toll on a person.  But, try your best to keep life in perspective and have patience.  Maintain routine because the storm will come and go and the power will return and kids will go back to school and you will have to return to work and your home will eventually be repaired.  In a society where we want everything here and now being patient can be tough but it will save you a lot of stress.  Give the “system” a chance to work and think about how life will be in a year.  Promise, in a year, everyday life will be as it should.

This hurricane changed me and I have been in many tropical like storms over the years but this one was different.  Maybe it was because of the ages of my children and because they were very much aware of what was happening.  Mothering instinct to protect kicks in and makes you want to keep them safe.  Or maybe it was because of my Ombudsman position and hearing about other families struggles all the while trying to survive my own.  Whatever the reason, I know that I don’t have any desire to sit one out if I can help it. One other thing I learned is that hurricanes, as predictable as they appear to be, no one can truly predict what the outcome will be.  So, if the military is going to station you in coastal location take preparedness seriously!

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