Category Archives: Marriage

Happy Father’s Day to Military Dads

Posted on June 15, 2012 | 1 Comment

With Father’s Day being on Sunday I am going to deter from my usually format and write about how great our Military dads are.  It isn’t easy being a dad on Active Duty and I know this because I witness how much my husband misses with our boys.  He has missed birthdays, Scouting promotions, sports events and much more.  Yet, somehow he is always there, too.  My husband manages to be heavily involved in all aspects of our children’s lives. It all started when our oldest son went to pre-school. He was on the Executive Board because partaking in the regular mandatory volunteer hours wasn’t enough!  Being the snack parent for soccer wasn’t good enough either, he had to coach even though he didn’t know how.  Think he could  just  be a parent that sees to it that our Cub Scout went door to door selling popcorn?  No, not my husband!  He served as the Ass. Cub Scout Master and now the Committee Chair.  He can’t always be in the boys classrooms at school for all their various events but he sure knows what is going!  He serves on a board there, too.

Sure, my husband does a lot but you know what?  So do most Mildads!  It amazes me the amount of fathers who will work long days and then come home scoop up their children and head out the door to coach their sports teams, be leaders for their Boy Scout Packs, hold positions on the PTO and so much more.  These guys might miss out on so much of their children’s lives but they also give up so much of their own free time if means doing something with their children.  I am completely in awe of these men who coach soccer teams in uniform or sacrifice their lunch break for a school event.

Our military children are so lucky to have men like these to look up to; with such honor and dedication to not just country but also family.  In our home the sun rises sets on my husband.  He is a hero to our children and I believe it is because he does so much for them to ensure they are well rounded.  My husband will work a long ten hour day and come home tired and yet, he will play video games, throw footballs, teach them to ride their bikes and read bedtime stories.  It’s no wonder our boys admire him so much. But, this is how our mildads role!  No day is too long and tiring to not spend an hour playing with their children and escape the troubles of their jobs.

Happy Father’s Day Mildads!!! Especially my husband; today is in honor of you!

What amazing things do your husband’s do for your children despite their hectic military careers?

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10 Things MilSpouses Need to Know

Posted on May 4, 2012 | 2 Comments

As some may know,  I spent nine years on active duty and so for me many customs and traditions are second nature but many spouses are left in the dark.  Maybe their husbands want to come home and not think about work and so they don’t bring it up.  Or some spouses still live in their hometowns when they are first married and don’t really find the need to really get aquatinted with the military and many other reasons.  However, there are some “need to knows” for all spouses.  After all,  we not only married a really handsome man in uniform but we married the military, too.  We owe it to ourselves to be informed so that when they leave us for a deployment we know what to do and who we can turn to.

1.   Acronyms!  POA, DOD, SSN, MWR, PPV, CO, XO, and on and on they go.  Learn them!!!!  There are just so many and the military as whole uses them for everything!  Ask your spouses to give you a list of the most important ones and don’t be afraid to ask if you don’t know.  Even with all my years I still have to think about what one means if I haven’t seen it in a long time.

2.   Get a POA (Power of Attorney)! All Milspouses should have one because you can’t get anything done without it if your husband (or wife) is deployed.  When I say “anything”, I mean it!  This is everything from taxes to ID cards to Tricare.  You name it!  They are very easy to obtain; just visit your Legal Assistance office and they can help you with all your questions.  Just make sure you bring the one in uniform because without them, you won’t get your POA.

3.  Know what “Colors” is and the etiquette.  For those reading who have no idea what “Colors” is here is the short explanation:  It is when the base plays the Nation Anthem in the morning (sunrise) and a bugle call in the evening (sunset). You are to stop and face the music, no matter what you are doing (outside).  It is a tradition very near and dear to the hearts of service members.  A time to stop and remember the fallen.  Be respectful and stop!

4.  Know your husband’s personal and work information.  Every milspouse should be able to rattle off their husband (or wife’s) DOB (date of birth), SSN, duty phone,  and command.  Every time you go the doctor, you’ll need it.  When you do just about anything involved with paper work, you will need this.  Learn it and memorize it!  Or do what I do and put it on your phone.

5.  Know who you are talking to.  I can’t stress enough the importance of knowing who the chain of command is for your spouse.  Know who their wives are, too. Sometimes they want to hear your concerns and other times they don’t.  Sure, it is okay to sit outside at the playground griping about how your husband has duty, AGAIN, but not at a command function.  Keep those conversations to small talk and only voice concerns when directly asked.

6.  Watch what you wear!  Oh, ladies, please, please go to FFSC and get an etiquette guide and learn what to wear to what function.  They have them and if not, you can find the information on Military OneSource.  Here’s one reason why:  I was at a ceremony  and the incoming (or outgoing, can’t remember) CO’s wife was wearing a skirt just way to short and well, the official party, band and everyone else upfront got a full view of her undergarments (true story). Mini skirts are great for the dance club not a ceremony.

7.  Always have a plan and be flexible.  Most spouses will tell you that military life is full of the unexpected.  Like just last month we had huge night planned for my birthday only to have my husband get called to go on a short trip. UGH! There should always be plan A (the one you want), B and then C.  Try as you might to not be to disappointed if you have to turn to C.  This is the life we married into and all will be okay if learn to except what you can’t control and ALWAYS have plan B and C in your back pocket.

8.  Know who the neighbors are.  I will be the first one to tell you that I like to keep to myself but I also know that it is important to know your neighbors and be at the very least friendly with them.  You never know, your new next door neighbor could turn out to be your new BFF for the next three years.  I will give one reason why… a few weeks ago, I was sick and at the doctor ( younger son with me), husband at work and I forgot my older son had an early dismissal.  I ran into another family and they mentioned it, quickly called a neighbor to get my forgotten child till I could get home.  Reason enough?  I think so!

9.  The Navy, Army, Marines, Air Force, Coast Guard comes first.  I really hate this, I mean really passionately do not like this but it is a fact.  In my perfect world me and my children would be number one always but not so.  Defending our country and everyone in it, including us comes first.  It has been a fight for us many times over and I know my man does his best.  I know he loves us and our time to be at the top of list will come someday but not now.  Just a fact of life we have to live with and accept no matter how much we despise it.

10.  Know who your Ombudsman, FRO or Key Spouse is!!!  These people are the go to for everything under the sun.  They live by a Code of Ethics that binds them to confidentiality within reason.  There are some things, like abuse, they have to report but when you need a shoulder to cry on they are there.  When you need a number you can’t find, they have it.  When you need to complain about your husband having duty, AGAIN and you could go into labor at any moment, you can call them. You can call them for just about everything.  Your ultimate link between you and your spouse’s command.

In closing,  I want to thank all the spouses who contributed their thoughts on what they would consider to be a “need to know”.  Also, thank you to Wife of a Sailor for the inspiration to write this week’s blog.  In fact she has a whole page of acronyms.  Stop by and check out her list!

Finally,  Let me hear what your “need to know” would be if it isn’t on this list.

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Posted in Marriage, Uncategorized

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Marrying the Military

Posted on January 27, 2012 | 1 Comment

After considering many topics to start writing about I decided to go in chronological order of my married life.  It all started on the day my soon to be husband checked-in to the command I was stationed at.  Yes, I, too was once on active duty.  This is how we met and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t love at first sight.  I can recall that moment like it was yesterday and it has been over 12 years!

I was manning the phones and he walks into the office to meet with the OIC (officer in charge) and I teased him about standing at “attention” or was it “at ease”? (s0me things escape me).  He didn’t find me to funny but here we are 12 years, two kids, and three duty stations later.  He found something attractive :) .  So how did I go from single sailor to military spouse?  It wasn’t an easy thing to do but I did it and have survived.   Here are the ways I have learned from my own experiences and those of the women I have met….

1.  When this dashing man in uniform asks you to marry him and you say yes (because let’s face it, who is going to say no?) stop and really consider what you are saying yes to.  Most couples say vows on their wedding day and they are all about the marriage itself.  When you marry a person in uniform you marry the military life, too.  It is important that the person (and even the one who is) not in uniform understand the life they are about to lead.  Do you truly understand that there will be moves and you will move far, very far away from your mommy and daddy?  Do you truly understand that you will raise children (if  children are something you and your partner want) alone a lot of the time? Are you as the spouse ready to run a home as a single  parent?  I will say that even with my nine years of experience serving our country I was not prepared to answer these questions.  I thought I would always have a husband and father around each and every day.  I thought I would always see my mother once a month and call her at any given moment.  I certainly wasn’t prepared to be a single parent!  Which, is how I feel a good majority of the time.  This is the most important aspect of married life the spouse must understand.  You aren’t just marring a handsome man in uniform you are marring his way of life.

2.  Now that you have talked with your future partner it is time to make the transition from a civilian, living a civilian life, to a civilian living a military life.  It won’t be easy……To receive all your benefits your husband (or wife)  must go their personnel department and put your information on what is known as a Page 2.  Make sure your future children are on this as well.  You might think, how would my dashingly, handsome man not know this?  Trust me when I tell you sometimes they don’t! Especially, if you have to be separated for a little bit.  Just because you aren’t together doesn’t mean you don’t get to go the doctor for free!  Once that is complete ID cards are issued and you can start to receive all the benefits you so deserve.

3.  You must educate yourself on the health and dental care, all information on this can be found at http://www.tricare.mil for TriCare (health insurance) and http://www.ucci.com for United Concordia (dental insurance).  After a total of about 12 years being with the Navy I had no idea that when we changed our TriCare status from overseas back to stateside we had to sign up for our dental care separately. Two separate insurances, two separate phone calls!  Don’t forget that!!! We had to swallow several hundreds of dollars in dental bills.

4.   Most spouses at this point will feel so overwhelmed with this process.  They have moved away from home and many for the first time ever in their lives.  You have spent days in this process and now here you are at home and alone and thinking, “Well, this sucks! Now what?”  Get out of your house and volunteer!  All bases have a Fleet and Family Support Center and they are chock full of opportunities.  I find volunteering to be a great way to meet people and it gives you purpose.  As the spouse it is crucial you create a life for yourself and volunteering is a great place to start.

5.   Get a job!  Working is such a great thing; it creates an instant social environment.  Most junior enlisted couples struggle financially mostly because it costs a lot to get married and move and having the extra income will help ease that.   I am the first one to tell you it is hard being in a strange city and not knowing where to start.  Most major bases will host job fairs or at least know of them.  Again, call the local FFSC or the command Ombudsman and ask. Look into job availability on the base.  Those jobs are great because a lot of the time they will transfer with you.  Working has so many benefits other than the money.  Again, don’t sit home waiting for your spouse, get out and create a life for yourself, WORK!

6.  Be connected to other spouses in the command.  You can do this by contacting your command Ombudsman and asking if there will be any command events.  The majority of commands will have an FRG (or the equivalent in other services).  An FRG is a family group that host social events for the command’s families. Those are good places to meet new people.  These people will so important in your life because they are the ones that truly understand how you feel.  They will support you through the first deployment.  The people you can call when you feel like the loneliness will consume you.  Do not be alienated from these people because they are your family!!  I love my mother and sister more than words can describe but they don’t understand my life the like some of my military friends do.  You will need friends and the command spouses are a great place to start.

You may be wondering why my transition was so tough. How is it possible for me to have found life after active duty so challenging?  Well, I went from being with my husband each day all day (except on occasion) to him being deployed and I was in a strange country with an almost two year old (who I wasn’t used to being with) and pregnant.  I thought for sure I would have it easy, after all I had spent 9 years on active duty but in the end I was treated just like any other spouse.  I had to find my way on my own.  It wasn’t easy and I thought for sure I would fail but I didn’t and I am stronger for it.  I find that being a military spouse makes me a better wife and mother.  I feel like I can endure anything life throws my way.  And you, too, can feel that way!  It will take time and lots of wine and phone calls home while drinking wine but you will survive.  This from a woman who had a baby and then ran home to her mommy for two months because the wine and phone calls weren’t enough. So I do understand the how hard those first few months, years or even the entire first year can be.  I can’t say how long it will take because we are all different but just take one day at a time and every day will be easier.

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