Category Archives: Children

Now that my boys are school aged all I can think about in our pending move is, what school will they go to?  Will they make friends? Will they be able to stay on the same academic pace they currently are on?  Can they walk to the new school or will they have to take the bus?  Can I volunteer as much as I do now?  Will there be programs for military children and will the school be accommodating to our needs as a military family?  All things that never even crossed my mind on our last two moves.  With the move to our current duty station I knew our oldest would be entering kindergarten in the fall, but I never thought of these issues.  I don’t whether it was my naive self or the knowledge that an old friend was a teacher at the school or that is was a school made up of 90% plus military students and staff that caused me to not ask those questions.  But, that is all changing now because in a year we will be looking at moving our boys to a new school.  Even though some answers can’t be made till you are moved and school has started I do have tips to help answer some of those daunting questions that loom over parents when the orders to move come in.

1.  Dad or Mom comes home and they have that little stapled packet of orders and every kid know what that means for them…. A NEW SCHOOL!! UGH!!! Instead of waiting, sit down and talk with your school aged kids about what changing new schools will mean for them.  What are their concerns?  What will they miss?  What are they looking forward to?  Keep the dialog open and let them express their feelings about changing new schools.  The older they get the harder it will be especially in the social department.  Friends are so valuable to teenagers and in their eyes irreplaceable.  This leads to tip number 2.

2.  Get an account for your child on Military Kids Connect and keep them connected with military friends.  This is such a great site because it is separated into age groups and allows for kids to talk about their tough military life on a social network just for them.

3.  When you go on your house hunting leave also visit potential schools.  If it is possible bring your child with you.  Let them ask all the questions.  Can I walk onto the basketball team since we won’t be here till December 13th?  Will all my classes transfer or will I have to retake some of them?  As a parent you should be thinking about similar things and help guide your child through this transition.  Be sure you are asking about standardized testing.  In some states high schoolers only need to take their exit exam once regardless of what grade they took and where.  But, you need to ask!  Also, be your child’s advocate!  If your child has taken Algebra I in 8th grade do not let the new high school tell you he/she has to retake it if that isn’t what you want.  All these questions and concerns need to be addressed when visiting because the answers could sway into another school who could be more accommodating.

4.  Contact the School Liaison Officer for the area you are currently stationed.  This person can help you acquire information on schools in the area you will be moving, too.  They will also be able to get in touch with the SLO in your new duty station.  SLO can help with everything from answering questions about the school system to being advocate for you if your child is needs assistance with school related issues, such as not be able to take an AP level class.  The best way to find the contact information for the SLO is go to the base website and look under the directory or even post on a base/Ombudsman or Housing Facebook page.

5.  Make yourself familiar with the Interstate Children’s Compact Commission.  This is a initiative created and signed by states waiving military families on a variety of school policies.  Such as, kindergarten/ first grade entry dates, immunizations and high school exit exams. Not all states have signed this and so it is very important to make sure you know this information!  It could help you in the long run having this document in hand when you are registering your kindergartener in their new school that has a different cut off date then the one you moved from.

6.  When you are preparing to leave your child’s current school ask if you can do something special to help your child feel they will be missed.  One idea is to have your child bring in a t-shirt and let all their friends write their numbers, email address and well wishes on it.  Or maybe offer to bring in snacks and drinks in the afternoon for younger kids.  This is what we did for our older son when we moved while he was in pre-school.  I feel like it helps give kids closure and not the one day I am here and then next I there and no one cares that I left.

7.  On the opposite end of tip 6, get connected with the school counselor in the new school within the first two weeks and make sure you child is adjusting well.  See if they have made friends, know how to get around the school and have all the essential things needed for their classes.  Children react differently and one kid may come home complaining they don’t like their new school but another won’t say a thing.  The first two weeks are crucial in ensuring they have a good school experience during your tour, so be proactive and don’t rely entirely on your child to tell you if they are happy or not.

Transition doesn’t have to be difficult and we are so fortunate to have an abundance of resources at our finger tips to help our children.  At this point you all know my favorite place to gain many of these resources and that is FFSC.  They have every thing from books to counseling.   Also, Military One Source has a wide variety of books and so the Military Child Education Coalition.  Hopefully, with these tips and resources your child’s next school transition will be just little bit smoother and happier.

* Visit the Resources Page to the resources mentioned in this blog and more.

As new parents we struggle with bringing babies into our chaotic lifestyle but ultimately we do (for more on that topic please read “Having The Military Baby”).  Once we bring these little military offspring into the world we, as the spouse left home, are faced with what to do with our endless days, weeks and months alone.  For those of us who stay home with them those days can seem so long and never ending especially when you add sleep deprivation and deployments to the mix.  When my boys were under the age of three it was a challenge finding things to do with them but in the end I always did; for my sanity and theirs. At that point in time and even to this day I run.  It is my stress reliever and I forced my young baby and toddler children to come with me.  One time my mother was commenting to me about bringing them with me and I said that I had to do it to help relieve my stress and my older son, then three said: “Yeah, it is all our stress reliever!”  And with that I will go into my tips for surviving the years with children three and younger.

1.  Take a walk everyday! Everyday rain or shine, hot or cold, I walked with my babies.  We would stop at playgrounds and I would let them collect leaves and rocks and other things that I would later throw away. Be sure to bring snacks and drinks; never let that be a reason to have go home.  All government housing has multiple playgrounds and if you live off base make it a priority to find the nearest one within walking distance.  If there isn’t a playground near by just the walk alone is great in and of itself.

2.  Make naps a priority!  Everyday I longed for 1:30 to come around.  It was my two hours of reprieve.  I showered, started dinner, cleaned bathrooms and napped myself.  Too many parents don’t make napping a priority.  If you don’t do it for your child, do it for yourself!  We all need a break during the day, even if you are just going to plant yourself in front of the TV or read a book or do P90X.  Make your kids go to their beds and take nap and enjoy the silence that is napping children.  Man, I miss nap time!

3.  Sign them up for a class.  It could be anything from tumbling to dance to Mommy and Me groups, swimming lessons or even story hour at the library.  This not only gets you all out of the house but it will help you, the parent, have a little social time, too. Everyone needs to be socialized and that includes mommies (or daddies) that stay home with young children. It can be very hard to take that leap for some but I promise you it is well worth all the effort.  To find base supported groups contact either Fleet and Family Support Center or MWR, most of these will either be free or be very low cost.

4.  Find a “once a week” activity to do.  For me and my gang we went to an indoor playground, similar to Monkey Joe’s. But, it could be buying season passes to the zoo, children’s museum or attending a play group.  Something that can really only be done once a week for a couple of hours. Oh and yes, we still walked and napped.  Those activities are only about three hours out of the day. Check with your local ITT office to find discounted tickets for zoos, aquariums, children museums and more.

5.  Learn to cook dinner in 30 mins or less or ahead of time. My saying back in those days was: “If I can’t cook it in the 30 mins or less or make it durning nap time, it doesn’t get made.”  I also would cook double of some things and freeze them so I had quick meals when my husband was away.  One other tip, don’t have the food wars when you are flying solo.  It isn’t worth your already depleted energy.  There is nothing wrong with throwing in the towel and ordering pizza or going to the food court at the NEX.

6.  Take them to an hourly daycare (CDCs usually have them, just ask).  Do this for your personally sanity.  Having even just one or two days a week for 2-3 hours of alone time will go a long way in the “make mom (or dad) happy” department.  Sometimes it is just nice to go alone to the Commissary or the post office or even clean the house without interuptions.  One summer I put my boys in hourly care three days a week for three hours and I came home and read the entire Twilight series.  So, really this tip is about you and how to help relieve some of your everyday stress.

7.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  Houses will be messy, playmates will be missed because you just can’t get out the door, cereal for dinner will happen and calls home to mom in tears saying “you just can’t take it” will be made, too.  Those years with small children are so very hard for any parent and then we have the added stress of military life. Cut yourself some slack, call a friend and have a glass of wine on the porch together while your kids play, eat cereal for dinner (AGAIN!) and the house is a mess.

8.  Go home to family! It can be expensive and hard to travel with little ones but both you and them need it.  There is nothing like walking off a plane or getting out of the car and seeing your mom with open arms ready to not hug you but take the kid(s).  Look into “Space A” travel if you are short on funds for flying. It is either free or cost very little and  most Air Station for any service will have them, it just takes a phone call to find out the schedule.  While I believe fully in the support of the military family, there is nothing like your own blood especially when you have very young children.  So go!  Don’t sit home wishing you were there.

In closing I have one last thing tip to add.  Don’t be in a hurry for those years to pass by.  I realize all to well how hard it is to live our life with this little humans who can’t understand why daddy isn’t home and you are sad because you miss him, too. We will shed many tears in these years wishing our mothers were closer to come and rescue us from disasters like your one year old having the stomach flu at two in the morning.  I did all these tips not only because it helped fill my day but because it caused me to slow down and take in my boys at that age.  I so very much wish my boys would take a walk with me and look at nature but they are older and it isn’t as much fun for them anymore.  So don’t wish those years away because they are hard, stop and enjoy them because they go all too quickly.  As my mother always says to me when I complain about how hard it is right now, “the bigger the kid, the bigger the problems”.

After the shock of your new life has settled in the next question many couples (and I am aware not all)  ask themselves, “is when do we start a family?”  When will the right time be? But, is there really ever “the right time”?  I have met countless mothers who never expected their little bundle of joy.  Many more who were faced with bringing that bundle into this world without the father present and for many reasons, mostly due to deployments.  I was very fortunate to have my hubby at home for both of our boys’ births.   I wish I could say from experience how it feels to delivery a baby without his/her father present, but I can’t.  I can talk about having babies while being an active duty sailor and being far from family in a strange country.  Over the years I have heard so many times how the wife doesn’t want to have children under certain living conditions, be it living overseas or husband will be deployed.  But, naturally a woman wants what a woman wants (again, I realize some woman don’t) and to that I say:

1.  Don’t wait for “the right time”.  When your body takes over and the feeling of being pregnant is always on your mind act on it.  Talk with your spouse about what it means to bring a baby into the world you live in.  Don’t let deployments and duty stations stop you from living the life you and your husband want to live.  If, you are feeling like making this next step is emotionally confusing seek counseling either with a chaplain or other trusted religious mentor.  Get counseling for FREE at Fleet and Family Support Center.  I believe that many wives are scared to start a family for fear they won’t have the support they need and that simply isn’t true.  Remember that command spouse network I encouraged you to be apart of?  Don’t forget to use it.

2.  Another fear I often hear is having a good doctor.  I had both my children in military hospitals; one stateside and one overseas.  Do not fear the military doctor!   The ones I had were amazing and I was well cared for.  For some women having a baby by a civilian doctor is important and if that is the choice for you and your spouse then go with it.  The best thing to do is call TriCare and ask for a list of local doctors that except our insurance and then start interviewing.  Sometimes, TriCare representatives will say you “have to” see a certain doctor and that simply isn’t true.  You may go to any doctor that excepts TriCare and if TriCare is willing to pay the doctor for your care.  Again, do your homework and ask questions until you are satisfied.  Your health and happiness is the most important and it starts with having a doctor your are comfortable with.  One thing to always remember is that some duty stations have plenty of military doctors and you may not be allowed to use a civilian doctor.  But, it never hurts to ask and if the answer is no, don’t worry it will be fine.  Remember I had two babies at military hospitals and was very happy both times.

3.  Once you have got the medical side taken care of take time and go to a parenting class.  FFSC has some for both parents, some for just dads called Daddy Bootcamp (I think) and then there is Budgeting for Baby or something similar.  When I was still working I had to attend one and I learned so much.  Also, look into WIC.  Again, like the doctor you want to see, it never hurts to ask if you qualify and that starts when you are pregnant.  For those of you who work get going on daycare.  I made the mistake of waiting till the baby was born and almost didn’t have anyone to watch him.  Most Child Development Centers will allow to go on a waiting list while you are pregnant.  Be ready for that dreaded day when you have to leave him/her for the first time.  Take a tour of the hospital and see where you will be delivering, something I didn’t do the first time and wished I had.  I think a lot of new parents are so excited about what happens when baby comes home that they sorta forget about the little stuff, like where to park when it is time or what floor is L&D on.  Taking a parenting class will help guide through this.  One thing to look into, too if you are not sure you can make the time is Military One Source.  They have endless resources and you may find something to the equivalent on that website.

4.  Make sure the command is aware of the coming addition to the family.  Start planning what will happen when the baby comes.  Will your husband be home or not? If not, who will help you when you go into labor?  Who will take care of your other children if you have any? Always plan for the unexpected.  My second baby decided he wasn’t going to wait for his scheduled delivery.  No one was telling him when he would make is entrance into this world!  To this day that child is controlling and we love him for it…. sorta.  This was something I didn’t do.  I was so sure my MIL would be there and our older son would be with her and all would be right with the world.  How wrong I was!  This lack of having the “what if” caused not only issues with care for our older son but with my husband’s job as well.  Make sure your husband is communicating about your status with his leadership.  Our dashing handsome men in uniform as much as we love them don’t always think “home” when they are at work.  So, yeah… nag them about it.

5.  To the spouses who aren’t pregnant in the command: help this new mother.  Organize a baby shower and meal delivery and TELL the Ombudsman.  While he or she may not be able to give out the contact information for all the spouses the Ombudsman can make the contacts for you.  If the mom is on baby two, three or four have a diaper shower.  I had one for my second baby and I don’t think I bought diapers for the first four months after he was born.  Offer to assist with any other children or come over and help with household chores.  Please don’t assume because family is visiting that your offer to help will be turned down.  My MIL was more than thrilled to have a few extra meals she didn’t have to cook.  Taking care of one or two small children and a recovering mommy is hard work!  So offer and let the new mom and her family decide.

6.  When the dust has settled and family has come and gone and the food deliveries have stopped DO NOT sit around waiting for those extra hands to come home.  Don’t stay home (if you aren’t working) and be frustrated and sad because it is just you and this tiny human who cries non stop.  Being a new mother especially if you are truly alone because your spouse is deployed is very overwhelming.  Take long walks, find base events to go to, look into a Mommy and Me group (no baby is too young) or event story time at the library.  Get out and meet other moms who are in the same boat.  Those moms are living your life and they can best support you.  I am so thankful for all the women in my life.  We have helped each other at worst moments in life, like vomiting children and we love each other’s children like our own.  Just like when you had to find your way as the new wife, you must find your way as the new mom, too.  When I became a stay at home parent I had a 20 month old and was pregnant.  I spent hours at playgrounds meeting other moms.  I went to every luncheon and command event possible to get to know the other spouses.  So, don’t be afraid to get out with your baby.  It will be good for you!  And, if mommy is happy then baby is happy.

Do not let being a military spouse stop you from having the life you want to live.  If having a family is what you want, then go for it! I find military children to be the most resilient.  These children make fast friends and that are life long in many cases.  They support one another and they truly look to their friends parents as extensions of their own family.  As parents we take the the place of missing aunts and uncles.  In my children’s short lives they have seen more of this world than most American children their age.  They have seen the Great Budda and ridden the world’s largest ferris wheel.  Swam in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans as well as The Gulf of Mexico.  Seen Mardi Gras not once but going on three times and most likely a fourth, where as many kids may never experience that ever.  I know kids who have toured Europe and many adult Americans will never do that in their life.  So don’t be scared, think of what an amazing life your child will live.  To be able to grow up so well rounded in 18 short years.  When it gets hard and it will, I won’t lie about that! Ttake advantage of the resources available like FFSC and the Chaplain or all the MWR events.  Because, from my perspective military children are the strongest by following their very strong parents lead and taking on life’s hardest challenges, like months on end with one parent or many moves to strange foreign places and making new friends.  These children become the most successful because they can endure anything life deals them!

P.S.  When they hate you because the parent they really want isn’t home there is wine for that because you will have those day. Oh, and call a friend or neighbor who is most likely your friend and ask to join you because I can promise that she is mostly likely feeling just as do.  You are never truly alone and, remember what Scarlett O’Hara said best: “Tomorrow is another day!”