Monthly Archives: April 2012

Surviving Deployment With Kids

Posted on April 27, 2012 | 1 Comment

Being military families we will all be separated from our spouse at one point (or many) and most often we will have children.  When I was dating my husband he was on deployment,  I really felt (even though I missed him like crazy) like life just sorta when on.  I continued seeing friends for dinner and happy hour and visited my family, but now that I have kids it is a totally different beast.  Currently he will travel for seven days, home for two weeks gone for three days and so on.  It really disrupts our everyday living especially for the boys.  Yet, as the one always staying behind I have to keep some sort of normalcy in our lives while staying connected with my frequently traveling husband.  How do I do it?  With these tips!

1.  Maintain routine!  It can be so easy to pick up and leave for the extra support of family but sometimes this isn’t the best option.  If your children are in school keep them there and stick to what they know.  This will also help when dad (or mom) comes home.  They will be able to jump right in because it was just like this when they left.  My boys don’t always think to ask their dad for help tying shoes because it has been me for two weeks but I point and say, dad’s home he can do it and because it was something going on previous he knows it is the norm.

2.  Talk everyday (if possible) in some fashion.  We love iChat, FaceTime, calling, texting and even Facebook to stay in touch.  The last long deployment my husband went on we emailed him everyday about what went on  that day and I used my then four and two year old’s words.  Now, it is a quick text of a picture or chatting on FaceTime and the kids love it!  I really feel like they stay connected with their dad this way and keeps their spirits up.  I also notice they tend to listen a little better when they have heard from their dad.

3.  Have special plans up your sleeve.  In our family eating out is rare and so I always plan at least one meal out with dessert to follow.  Another thing is a day trip some place, like the zoo or a near by park we don’t often visit.  This keeps things fresh and it shows kids that good things can happen when dad is away.  If you are on a budget visit your local MWR ITT office for any discounted tickets and if it is a meal you are after don’t forget to ask about military discounts.

4.  Have a count down.  Count downs can be anything you think up.  I have heard of paper chains, hershey kiss jars, and even a jar full of loving thoughts written out by the parent deployed and each day the child reads one.  We always used stickers on a calendar to mark off the days.  I think counting down really helps give kids a perspective of time and something tangible to show dad or mom will be home soon.

5.  Have a picture next the child’s bed.  Every night my boys would say goodnight and kiss the picture of their daddy.  When they were too little to really understand that he was gone and wouldn’t be home for long time this helped keep that image of daddy in their mind.  My older son used to talk to the picture, even though to me it was only babbles, but he must have been telling his dad important things.

6.  Know your limits as a parent.  When enough is enough reach out and ask for help be it a babysitter for a night out with friends or a trip home to visit family.  I found a “mothers helper” to be crucial part of surviving deployments when my children were three and under.  The young lady who helped me was so instrumental in keeping me from reaching that limit.  I had her come three days a week during dinner hour while I cooked, fed and cleaned up and that was just enough.  But, that limit is different for all of us and knowing it is key.  We may be among the strongest spouses in the country but we all have a moment when we just need a break.   When and how you go about it is really up to you.

This blog is written at a moment in time when even I needed to know tips to surviving separation from my husband.  It may only be for a short time but it is all relative.  The feelings of loneliness and heartache for my him are all the same no matter how long he is gone.  I know this is true for our children as well.  Some trips are easier than others because of the length and my experiences with them but as I kiss him farewell and watch him hug our boys, I know I have to dig deep down in me and pull up strength I forget I have.  So, to those of you reading this and wishing your husband, friend, father to your children were with you take a moment realize you aren’t alone.  There is a whole military of spouses feeling just like you using some of these very same tips to make it through those long, lonely days drinking a glass of wine while wearing a suit of armor.

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Posted in Children, Deployment

To Go or To Stay… That is the Question

Posted on April 20, 2012 | 4 Comments

Over my time with the military I have met many spouses who struggle with the choice to follow their husband (or wife) to the next duty station.  Some even question whether to move closer to family during a long deployment.  It is never an easy decision to make and I believe there really never is the right choice; there will always be a sacrifice of some kind.  It ranges from pulling children from a school they love and have lots of friends to staying put and being separated from your spouse to braving the baby times alone because after all it’s only nine months.  I can’t give you tips on when to stay or when to go, that decision to entirely to personal and everyone’s situation is different. I will, however, give you tips to help you come closer to making that decision.

1.  List the pros and cons!  When you are sitting down as a couple to write this list consider topics like military benefits, command support, how separation will effect the family dynamic and living near family.  Talk about this list of pros and cons with your children if they are old enough to understand. Ask them for a list, too.  Children often see life very differently from adults.

2.  Talk with other spouses about the choices they made.  What was it like for them? The good and the bad!  So many times the grass looks greener but then we get there and it isn’t.  Talking with other people who were faced with the same challenging decision can help give you perspective you may not have thought about.

3.  Seek counseling at FFSC or the Chaplain (or other trusted religious leader).  It can be really hard to be separated from your spouse and sometimes this has to happen.  Counseling will help you both come to peace with this fact or maybe it will show you a different path that suits you better.  Lots of emotions are at play when you are faced with either staying or going and talking to a unbiased person can help take the emotion out of the decision.

4.   Have a family meeting!  As the parent staying behind during a 15 month deployment you may be thinking there is no way I am staying here alone but your children may be heart broken to leave their friends, school and home.  Or, you may not want to pull or child from their current school but your GEO BAT spouse may be devastated at thought of living for three years without his/her family.  It is important that everyone’s voice is heard.  Even if you have to tell your child that you in fact will leave for that time but not to worry you will be back when daddy comes home.

5.   See a financial counselor or Command Financial Specialist.  Your youngest has one more year till graduation and you want to stay because it’s only one year. Then you figure out the finances and realize you will be paying for a mortgage plus an apartment and all the bills on both.  YIKES!  Those bills can pretty overwhelming but it may be possible so sit down with an expert and figure it out before you kiss your hubby good-bye.

At this point in time I will always follow my husband because my feeling for myself is that I didn’t get married to be a single parent.  However, that feeling isn’t always so cut and dry and we haven’t been faced with a possible transfer when our youngest is close to high school graduation.  I would also never move back home during a deployment.  For me and my children I find staying in a consistent routine more important and just visiting my family frequently.  Again, this isn’t the best choice for everyone.  As parents we must always assess our families and their needs and make the decision based on that.  We are all different and will react differently to the same situation.  And then of course no matter how unhappy you are with the decision ultimately made,  you will put on your big girl (or boy ) pants and follow or stay and take it one day at a time realizing that we can do it, because let’s face it, military spouses wear suits of armor and can handle any battle the military sends us into!

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Posted in Uncategorized

Making The Best Of A Bad Duty Station

Posted on April 13, 2012 | 2 Comments

We all have had duty station or two we would like to forget and never revisit.  They weren’t are favorite because the school wasn’t the best or the neighbors were really loud (ALL THE TIME), or maybe your husband/wife was deployed more than they were home or maybe it was the first time you were away from home raising a baby and many more reasons beyond these.  Mine was Japan…. for many reasons.  One being that I was not used to being home with our then two year old and my husband was gone A LOT and I was pregnant at the beginning.  I used to say that I moved to Japan to be a single parent.  We did survive and for the better.  Now that I have been back in the states for three years all I have are good memories.  Yes, I do remember not being happy there but I choose to focus on what I miss.  How is that possible?  Here are my three tips for making the best of a bad duty station.

1.  Get out of the house or off the base or both!  I refused to sit home even though I was not happy with being in this strange world.  I owed it to my kids to create happy memories despite wanting to do nothing but sit on the phone and cry to mom about how miserable I was.  We didn’t travel as much I had hoped but we saw a lot, the Great Budda, the world’s largest ferris wheel and even swam with a barracuda in Guam.  We also did a lot of shopping and boy do I miss the five story 100 Yen Store!  If you ask my kids they only have happy memories and that has a lot to do with not always being home because they saw and experienced so much.  Get out and travel!  It could mean playing tourist for a day in the city you live or planning a vacation elsewhere.  Most important thing is to not sit home wishing you were somewhere else.

2.  Make friends!   While we all wish we could pack up our families in our suitcases and take them with us, this just isn’t reality and so we reach out to other military families and they can really make a difficult duty station memorable and happy.   I dearly miss the friends I had in Japan; there is something very special about them.  They were there for me in some pretty rough times.  We laughed a lot and complained A LOT!  For a couple they were surviving just like me.  I spent long afternoons by the playground watching our children play or sipping coffee and talking out my feelings with them.  When you aren’t in a place that makes you happy staying home alone can make for a very long and lonely tour.  How you make friends depends on what kind of person you are.  I used to sit for long hours at playgrounds talking to other moms.  I also made friends through my husband’s co-workers.  Either way they are important to survival and these people will be close to your heart for life.

3.  Keep in perspective and focus on the positives.  It can be so easy to continually think about all the things that are making you unhappy.  Try instead to think of what is good.  It could be that you don’t like the house you are in but your children are attending a really great school and have lots of friends.  In Japan it was the food!  We loved eating there and we miss sushi so much that I think we have eaten it a total of three times since we moved back to the states.  It was also the baby years of my children and that in and of itself is a happy memory I would remind myself continually that while I wanted our tour to go quickly, I didn’t want to wish away their baby times.

Bad duty stations will happen at least once to everyone and the reasons that make them “bad” will range.  The important thing to remember is that they don’t last.  Two, three or four years is a blink of an eye when compared to your whole life.  I feel like my “bad” duty station made me a stronger military spouse and mother.  I know that I survived a very difficult time and it gives me the confidence to take on anything life throws my way.  In fact, I feel like I could move back to Japan and I would be okay and even look forward to somethings.  Perspective! It really is the ultimate key to surviving and making the best of a bad duty station. Of course for those days when travel and perspective just aren’t cutting it a cocktail with the friends surviving with you will.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Owning the Military Pet

Posted on April 6, 2012 | 1 Comment

Since I was a child I always had pets, mostly cats, birds and a the best German Shepard a young girl could ask for. When I left home nearly fourteen years ago for boot camp I knew it was only a matter of time before I had pets of my own and in 1998 when I moved into my first apartment it was two big black cats that graced my home.  Since then we have had a few different cats and our one and only dog, the laziest Jack Russel EVER, Macy.  Even with our many moves from one end of the world and back we have had our pets.  Macy has been with me and my husband since the before we were married and there was no way we would ever leave her behind for any reason.  Our furry and feathered and sometimes slimy friends are so very important to us.  How do we ensure they live the most full and rich lives when we move so often to so many different places?  Since Macy is 10 and one of those first black cats will be 12 I am going to give you tips on how we have done it.

1.  Immunizations are a must!  All government housing has rules and regulations about what pet immunizations are required.  Your best bet is to go the nearest Army vet and have your pets immunized with them.  Like our medical records that never change from one duty to the next, the Army vet is the same for our pets.  This will come in very handy when you have to move overseas.  We learned the hard way on that one.

2.  Always call ahead and ask the Navy Housing or Management office if there are pet policies.  Knowing these will help you decide where you will live.  Not all breeds of dogs, fish tank sizes or exotic pets are permitted in government housing.  Ignorance isn’t bliss when it comes to these sorts of issues.  Knowledge is power!

3.  Never take “NO” for an answer when moving overseas.  Weeks before we were to fly to Japan the person taking care of our PCS told us we couldn’t take our pets with us and we knew better because for almost a year we had been going through the overseas process with the vet.  To my knowledge (and I could be wrong) you can take your vet to any overseas duty station where you can take your family.  You just need to ask about the procedures involved  brining your pet. The Army vet will mostly likely be able to answer all your questions.

4.  Keep cats inside.  Many people love cats but don’t want them in their homes.  This causes problems with the neighborhood.  One of my beloved black cats had to go and live with another family where he could roam without problems because my neighbors didn’t like that he was killing the birds at the bird feeders.  If you live in the south with alligators….enough said on that, you get where I am going.  So, if having to share your home with a cat isn’t appealing to you then maybe this isn’t the best pet for you.

5.  Have an emergency plan.  In the Navy we almost always live where there are hurricanes and evacuations are always a possibility.  We always think about ourselves and our home when evacuating but don’t forget about your pets.  Look into where you will be staying if you have to leave your home.  Can you have your pet with you? Or will you have to board them elsewhere?  Don’t leave them behind!  Keep rabies certificates, prescription and any other important medical information with all your other important documents.  This will come in handy if you are displaced for a long period of time.  Even the pets in Japan were evacuated with their owners after the tsunami.

6.  Microchip your cats and dogs.  A couple of years ago I was able to reunite an owner with their dog because it had been microchipped.  Microchipping could save your pet from going to what I like to call “Puppy Jail” because animal control officers are able to contact you via the information on the chip.  Note that you may want to use a family member who isn’t moving anytime soon.  Then you don’t have to worry about having to change the information every time you move.

7.  When you and/or family are in at a point where you are unable to take your pet contact Dogs On Deployment (this is for all pets not just dogs)!  This is a non-profit organization whose mission is to help military families place their pets with boards during deployments, moves or any other time they are unable to bring their pets with them.  Most often than not, pets end up at shelters because owners feel like they have no option.  Now we do!  Look them up and keep your pet.

Pets are so important to our quality of life.  I do realize that many families opt to not have pets and that is okay, too.  But for those of who do, they really help make our many homes feel more like home. My life wouldn’t feel quite complete without a purring cat on my lap or my little dog filling the empty space in my bed at night.  They always know when we feel down in dumps and help us feel better.  Whether it means taking the dog for a long walk to clear your head or laughing while watching cats have the midnight crazies.  Let us not forget how these creatures big and small help our children by giving them something of a constancy in life.  My boys have lived all their lives with our dog, just one thing that has never changed (because so many other things do) in their young lives.  If you have been holding back on owning a pet, I hope these tips help to bring your family one step closer to that goal.

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Posted in Pets

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