Monthly Archives: February 2012

Your Military Family

Posted on February 17, 2012 | 1 Comment

I had a vision for this blog.  It was going to always follow a certain pattern that would be predictable to my readers.  Well, this one will be different because it will focus on just one tip and that is the importance of making friends “family”.  The tip is just that, friends need to be family.  Ideally in our lives with small children we should be near family to help with babysitting and advice and emergencies and everything else in between for which you would call on your family.  However, the military more often than not takes us away from that crucial support network.  I was lucky enough to live close enough to family when one baby was born and even more lucky because my sister was living with us at the time.  In those early months of motherhood I don’t know how I would have managed without her.  She made it possible to go to work and help me when my husband was away.  But, then I was faced with having another baby very, very far away from that support.  What was I going to do?  How would I survive that?  It was frightening and overwhelming at the time.  Now, I can say exactly how I survived that and of course the five plus years since.  I made friends feel like family and allowed my children to view them the same way.

Often times I meet mothers (and fathers) who dread the distance from family.  They rarely have time alone with each other because they feel like they can’t leave their children with anyone.  There is a huge trust issue that gets in the way.  I find this to be a very sad thing.  Our military children live an exciting life but it is also very hard.  These children must spend days, weeks and months without one parent and no immediate family near by to help fill that void.  We parents shouldn’t deny them the feeling of comfort and support that family offers, and as the parent left home, you absolutely need it!  I have two little boys and I just can’t take the place of my husband no matter how hard I try.  Only a man can even come close.  This past week my husband had to work and it is Carnival, that means lots of fun parades to go to but no husband means I am on my own.  Knowing this my now 7 year old asked if Mr. N would be coming to the parade and I said yes he would be there.  My son being the way kids can be when they are disappointed dropped his head and made a face and replied, “Why? He always bosses me around.”  In the moment I was angry that he would even say this but now looking back I realize how important this friendship is and how it effects the lives of my children.   This friend while not being able to fully replace my husband as father still does fatherly things.  Things like helping me set boundaries and support me with discipline, which clearly my son is not happy about.  But, in 20 years he will look back on this and fully appreciate the role this man played in his young life.

Being able to cultivate a friendship to the point where you trust your children with lives of this friend is so crucial to our survival as military spouses.  Without the women that have become my sisters I couldn’t have had a baby in a foreign country, run a half marathon or two, left my sleeping toddler to pick up the other child from school or most importantly have a much needed overnight date with my husband.  These are only a few things that were made possible by my friendship I have forged in the last six years of my life.  I reflect on these friendships and I feel more grateful for them with each passing day.  They make living this life possible and I couldn’t live it without them.   We share everything from a surplus of dinner to lonely nights while drinking a cocktail on the front porch and watching our kids play past dark.  We have been there for each other when new babies are born and to cheer each other in new endeavors.   Without the love and support of this core group of ladies (and their husbands) I wouldn’t be writing this blog.

The importance of having such relationships is so strong so that I couldn’t possibly overstate it.  The bond created will live on for a lifetime and it is proven by a moment I had last summer.  One of these very special couples vacationed close  to us and we were able to drive and meet them for the weekend.  My children had not seen them in three years, they were two and four the last time they had seen these friends.  But, both boys went with open arms to receive hugs and within minutes you would have thought they had seen our friends everyday for the pass three years.  How could children so young be able to have that level of trust or even remember having it one point in time?  I guess I may never know but it was there.  I hate that our military life keeps us apart and I have watch their children grow up from afar but that is life.  Our bond is never broken and it is there forever!

The stories I have for each of these friends is never ending.  At this point in time I have only a handful of these friendships and I know moving again will require me to shed many tears and saying goodbye.  It is a sad and hard moment to live through just like when I had to leave the support of my family the first time.   But, I live with the confidence that there is another special couple out there who will be added to my every growing military family.   Each of the women who have become close to me are very different and it seems as though they pull from me different aspects of myself.  I love them for this and turn to them for different things be it husband issues (wait, we all have that) or kid issues (we all have, too)…… okay, well, maybe that last part isn’t completely accurate.  Anyway, you get the point.

So, let your guard down.  Open your home and your heart to another person and trust that they will be there for you during the hardest time and the most joyous.  For these friends will be there when you cross the finish line of a marathon or take your children and keep them overnight or even days when you have a new baby, they will bring your ladder chair to parades and make soup when you are sick.  These friends will watch your children without thought in the event of an emergency or even go with you.  You will laugh, bicker and cry together over the years, just like siblings.  Your kids will get on each others nerves and so will the spouse, just like siblings.  So, while they will never replace your family but merely fill a very big important void that you just simply can not live without!  You may even strike out a few times.  I know I have and boy are those memories in and of themselves.  But, oddly enough those failed ones help grow others even stronger.

I write this blog and dedicate to those friends who have stood by me and my family  and continue to do so and to the friendships just waiting to be made.  And, it is my hope that for every military spouse who reads this that you, too, have those ever lasting friendships, where tears and laughter are shared over wine.

P.S.  This is also applies to our pets.  Somehow, pets of friends also feel like our own and we all share in the sorry of losing them and in the joy of adding a new member.

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Surviving Overseas

Posted on February 10, 2012 | Leave a comment

In 2004 when we were told Japan would be our next duty station I truly thought it was a joke.  Here I was eight months preggos with our first baby.  The detailer had to be kidding, right?  Well, to make a long story short he wasn’t kidding but we did get two more years and expecting another baby later we left for our three year tour in Japan.  I felt excited, nervous, sad and anxious all at the same time.  I used to say that I left the Navy to see the world because in my almost nine years I never left Virginia except on small trips here in the states.  But, I was excited at the notion that I would living elsewhere than the east coast of America, however, I didn’t expect to do that with a almost two year old and pregnant.  As a Navy wife I promised to follow my sailor anywhere he had to go except Wheeling, WV (I love my in-laws dearly mind you and I was only 22 when I said that) so off we went.  In my excitement I never expected it to be one the hardest adventures I would survive to date.  Everyone we talked to said how much they loved the country and tour itself.  So why wouldn’t I think it would just as awesome?!  Well, for starters I am not one to go out and say: “Hi, my name is Kate.  Can we be friends?  Want to set up a play date?”  For the first time ever I was going to be away from my husband for longer than a few days with little to no communication.  Oh, then there is the whole having a baby without the support of my mother.  Let’s not forget that two year old I wasn’t used to being around.  But, through it I learned so much about myself and life as a military spouse and here is how I did it:

1.  I decided to not be afraid to get out by myself and my little man.  The decision was fairly easy to make since about a week after we got there and moved into our stark white house my husband was going to leave us to travel for two weeks.  So, everyday me and my kiddo would take long walks out into the community and tried new foods and found playgrounds.  Then there was the hours of being at playgrounds and forcing myself to talk other moms.  It was incredibly hard for me to do but I knew I needed to.  This can be very difficult for some of us who by nature are very shy but it is important that we make the effort.  It can be easy to stay home but that can be very lonely and depressing.

2.  Remember the command events I mentioned in “Marrying the Military”?  Well, go to them all!  Overseas you only have each other.  There is no family to rely on, they may come to visit but they aren’t going to be your “go to people” when you have a kid with a 103 degree fever and it is the middle of night and there are other children sound asleep in bed and no husband around.  Those other military spouses WILL be your family and it starts with the command spouses.  Together you will endure the lonely deployments, if they occur.   I went to all command functions and any party I was invited to. It took sometime to get to know them but I have life long friends from that command.  I love these women like my sisters and miss them terribly now that we are spread around the country.

3.  Be involved in something.  This can be anything from giving English lessons, volunteering for NMCRS (or the equivalent), going to story hour at the library.  I find it important to create a life for yourself.  From my experience jobs can be far and few between but there is always something.  If you are into exercising look into whether there is a class you can teach at the gym or maybe helping during reading at the school.  It is very important that there is something that is all yours and it doesn’t require your spouse to be home.  My children were babies and so I didn’t have a whole lot but I did get my younger son into some toddler classes and I met lots of great woman through doing that and most importantly I felt like I had a life outside of my home.  Do something and make sure it is something you enjoy and is social.

4. Travel, travel, travel!!!!  This is the one thing we didn’t do enough of.  Having small children I felt scared away from doing it, thinking traveling with babies was just way too hard.  But, I now believe that was the wrong decision. I knew lots women who traveled in packs and would fly “space A” and meet their husbands when they were in port. In Japan it was Australia and Singapore and Thailand. What is space A?   Space A is a military flight for those who are flying for leisure.  I highly recommend looking into it if flying is your mode of transportation.  Also, overseas ITT offices have lots and lots of trips that you can book through them and they arrange everything for you.  All you need to do is show up at the meeting place.  Don’t stay on the base or just travel home to see family.  While we certainly didn’t confine ourselves to the base, I only flew home and I wish I had traveled more.  Moral? Travel!!!

5.  One thing we don’t have in great abundance here in the states is hourly daycare but overseas there is plenty of it.  So, if you are reading this and have children 10 and under listen up.  Don’t spend everyday wishing you had your mom to step in and watch your kids so you can grocery shop or meet friends for drinks put them in hourly daycare!!!  It literally made my three years in Japan possible.  It is cheap and you can choose between the center or a home provider and that is all they do.  No full time kids, they have their own building and home providers.  Overseas deployments can be long and tough but if you take advantage of the hourly care to do simple things like going for a run or shopping or even a lunch date with a friend it can help make it easier.  One summer I put my kids in hourly care three days a week for three hours.  This was going to be my “cleaning and errands time”.  Turned out to be my reading the Twilight Saga time and watching a full season of Grey’s Autonomy.  My house wasn’t clean and I had to take my kids to the Commissary but I felt renewed and energized all summer.  And, no I didn’t have a bloody mary  while I was reading but, that isn’t a bad idea if you don’t plan on driving.

6.  Lastly and probably the most important tip is to go the New Comer Orientation.  Most times the dependent is not required to go BUT I highly recommend that you do.  This is a one stop for all the information any one person will need in order to survive living overseas. It will cover everything from cultural norms to the country’s food.  Plus, there will be a day where you will have to venture off base and visit a local attraction.  In Japan this was important because we had to use the trains. It is a day I will never forget because I was by myself with our older son (not yet two) and we went to a local zoo.  I had heard about the Japanese taking pictures of American children but didn’t believe them until that day.  There he was in all his toddler cuteness running around in circles at the petting zoo area and the Japanese were smiling and snapping pictures of him.  He was completely unaware of what was going on. A moment I would have never had if I hadn’t gone to the class. I am glad I did it and I was never hesitant to take the trains after that day. Take not, that if you have children make sure to ask your sponsor about daycare prior to arriving so that you can attend the orientation with your spouse.

To sum it up, make the most of it.  You are having the chance of a lifetime to live in another country and learn their ways.  Follow the saying: “When in Rome do as the Romans do.”  Embrace the culture don’t turn away from it because it is unfamiliar and scary.  Please, please don’t be those people who never leave the base.  That is such a waste!  My overseas tour taught me so much about myself as a mother, wife and most importantly a person.  I feel so much stronger and willing to take on any challenge.  I still get butterflies doing new things and I probably always will but I won’t ever let that stop me.  At this point it is about ensuring my children have life long memories and experiences that a great majority of American children don’t get.  To this day our older son, who was four when we moved, talks about his favorite things from Japan.  Like the sushi train and an indoor play area we used to go to during the rainy seasons.  The most memorable moment I have from those long three years is my younger son’s first birthday.  We were on the world’s largest ferris wheel and just as the sun was setting we could see Mt. Fuji.  I have many more but that is a rare one that if we had never left base we wouldn’t have experienced.  So, grab hold of your inner tiger and go for it.  It will be exciting, interesting, hard and many times lonely but you will come back to the States and all it’s familiarity and you will be a stronger person with worldly experience.

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Posted in Travel

Having the Military Baby

Posted on February 3, 2012 | 2 Comments

After the shock of your new life has settled in the next question many couples (and I am aware not all)  ask themselves, “is when do we start a family?”  When will the right time be? But, is there really ever “the right time”?  I have met countless mothers who never expected their little bundle of joy.  Many more who were faced with bringing that bundle into this world without the father present and for many reasons, mostly due to deployments.  I was very fortunate to have my hubby at home for both of our boys’ births.   I wish I could say from experience how it feels to delivery a baby without his/her father present, but I can’t.  I can talk about having babies while being an active duty sailor and being far from family in a strange country.  Over the years I have heard so many times how the wife doesn’t want to have children under certain living conditions, be it living overseas or husband will be deployed.  But, naturally a woman wants what a woman wants (again, I realize some woman don’t) and to that I say:

1.  Don’t wait for “the right time”.  When your body takes over and the feeling of being pregnant is always on your mind act on it.  Talk with your spouse about what it means to bring a baby into the world you live in.  Don’t let deployments and duty stations stop you from living the life you and your husband want to live.  If, you are feeling like making this next step is emotionally confusing seek counseling either with a chaplain or other trusted religious mentor.  Get counseling for FREE at Fleet and Family Support Center.  I believe that many wives are scared to start a family for fear they won’t have the support they need and that simply isn’t true.  Remember that command spouse network I encouraged you to be apart of?  Don’t forget to use it.

2.  Another fear I often hear is having a good doctor.  I had both my children in military hospitals; one stateside and one overseas.  Do not fear the military doctor!   The ones I had were amazing and I was well cared for.  For some women having a baby by a civilian doctor is important and if that is the choice for you and your spouse then go with it.  The best thing to do is call TriCare and ask for a list of local doctors that except our insurance and then start interviewing.  Sometimes, TriCare representatives will say you “have to” see a certain doctor and that simply isn’t true.  You may go to any doctor that excepts TriCare and if TriCare is willing to pay the doctor for your care.  Again, do your homework and ask questions until you are satisfied.  Your health and happiness is the most important and it starts with having a doctor your are comfortable with.  One thing to always remember is that some duty stations have plenty of military doctors and you may not be allowed to use a civilian doctor.  But, it never hurts to ask and if the answer is no, don’t worry it will be fine.  Remember I had two babies at military hospitals and was very happy both times.

3.  Once you have got the medical side taken care of take time and go to a parenting class.  FFSC has some for both parents, some for just dads called Daddy Bootcamp (I think) and then there is Budgeting for Baby or something similar.  When I was still working I had to attend one and I learned so much.  Also, look into WIC.  Again, like the doctor you want to see, it never hurts to ask if you qualify and that starts when you are pregnant.  For those of you who work get going on daycare.  I made the mistake of waiting till the baby was born and almost didn’t have anyone to watch him.  Most Child Development Centers will allow to go on a waiting list while you are pregnant.  Be ready for that dreaded day when you have to leave him/her for the first time.  Take a tour of the hospital and see where you will be delivering, something I didn’t do the first time and wished I had.  I think a lot of new parents are so excited about what happens when baby comes home that they sorta forget about the little stuff, like where to park when it is time or what floor is L&D on.  Taking a parenting class will help guide through this.  One thing to look into, too if you are not sure you can make the time is Military One Source.  They have endless resources and you may find something to the equivalent on that website.

4.  Make sure the command is aware of the coming addition to the family.  Start planning what will happen when the baby comes.  Will your husband be home or not? If not, who will help you when you go into labor?  Who will take care of your other children if you have any? Always plan for the unexpected.  My second baby decided he wasn’t going to wait for his scheduled delivery.  No one was telling him when he would make is entrance into this world!  To this day that child is controlling and we love him for it…. sorta.  This was something I didn’t do.  I was so sure my MIL would be there and our older son would be with her and all would be right with the world.  How wrong I was!  This lack of having the “what if” caused not only issues with care for our older son but with my husband’s job as well.  Make sure your husband is communicating about your status with his leadership.  Our dashing handsome men in uniform as much as we love them don’t always think “home” when they are at work.  So, yeah… nag them about it.

5.  To the spouses who aren’t pregnant in the command: help this new mother.  Organize a baby shower and meal delivery and TELL the Ombudsman.  While he or she may not be able to give out the contact information for all the spouses the Ombudsman can make the contacts for you.  If the mom is on baby two, three or four have a diaper shower.  I had one for my second baby and I don’t think I bought diapers for the first four months after he was born.  Offer to assist with any other children or come over and help with household chores.  Please don’t assume because family is visiting that your offer to help will be turned down.  My MIL was more than thrilled to have a few extra meals she didn’t have to cook.  Taking care of one or two small children and a recovering mommy is hard work!  So offer and let the new mom and her family decide.

6.  When the dust has settled and family has come and gone and the food deliveries have stopped DO NOT sit around waiting for those extra hands to come home.  Don’t stay home (if you aren’t working) and be frustrated and sad because it is just you and this tiny human who cries non stop.  Being a new mother especially if you are truly alone because your spouse is deployed is very overwhelming.  Take long walks, find base events to go to, look into a Mommy and Me group (no baby is too young) or event story time at the library.  Get out and meet other moms who are in the same boat.  Those moms are living your life and they can best support you.  I am so thankful for all the women in my life.  We have helped each other at worst moments in life, like vomiting children and we love each other’s children like our own.  Just like when you had to find your way as the new wife, you must find your way as the new mom, too.  When I became a stay at home parent I had a 20 month old and was pregnant.  I spent hours at playgrounds meeting other moms.  I went to every luncheon and command event possible to get to know the other spouses.  So, don’t be afraid to get out with your baby.  It will be good for you!  And, if mommy is happy then baby is happy.

Do not let being a military spouse stop you from having the life you want to live.  If having a family is what you want, then go for it! I find military children to be the most resilient.  These children make fast friends and that are life long in many cases.  They support one another and they truly look to their friends parents as extensions of their own family.  As parents we take the the place of missing aunts and uncles.  In my children’s short lives they have seen more of this world than most American children their age.  They have seen the Great Budda and ridden the world’s largest ferris wheel.  Swam in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans as well as The Gulf of Mexico.  Seen Mardi Gras not once but going on three times and most likely a fourth, where as many kids may never experience that ever.  I know kids who have toured Europe and many adult Americans will never do that in their life.  So don’t be scared, think of what an amazing life your child will live.  To be able to grow up so well rounded in 18 short years.  When it gets hard and it will, I won’t lie about that! Ttake advantage of the resources available like FFSC and the Chaplain or all the MWR events.  Because, from my perspective military children are the strongest by following their very strong parents lead and taking on life’s hardest challenges, like months on end with one parent or many moves to strange foreign places and making new friends.  These children become the most successful because they can endure anything life deals them!

P.S.  When they hate you because the parent they really want isn’t home there is wine for that because you will have those day. Oh, and call a friend or neighbor who is most likely your friend and ask to join you because I can promise that she is mostly likely feeling just as do.  You are never truly alone and, remember what Scarlett O’Hara said best: “Tomorrow is another day!”

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Posted in Children